Dissidia: Final Fantasy Review

Let's face it: Smash Bros. is popular as hell. It's a fanboy's dream come true. An assortment of beloved characters in an immense crossover where your wildest fanfiction dreams play out in button mash murder. Since the franchise's inception, there have been many emulations of the crossover party fighter concept, from Capcom's Onimusha Buraiden to Ubisoft's upcoming and none-too-subtle named TMNT: Smash Up. Let's forget that Castlevania Judgment business altogether, shall we? I'd prefer it stays locked up in the recesses of supressed memory far deeper than my being molested as a child by Lee Majors.

Now it's Square Enix's turn at the plate, and they've come swinging the Nail Bat (materia is for pussies) with Dissidia, a hyperactive crossover brawler for the PSP featuring the main protagonists and villains from each entry of the first ten Final Fantasy games.

Now, as a reviewer, it's my duty to remain as unbiased as possible and give each game a fair rundown based on its own merits in a completely objective fashion. However, as this is the Final Fantasy franchise, this is absolutely damn well impossible for me to do. That being said, the series died with Final Fantasy X. Additionally, forgive the following fangasm (please insert "squees" wherever you feel appropriate).

OKAY GET THIS THE MASAMUNE IS LIKE 15 FEET LONG NOW AND FIRION CAN USE THE BLOOD SWORD AS HIS LIMIT BREAK ALSO CHAOS IS VOICED BY KEITH DAVID HOW RAD IS THAT MOOGLES CHOCOBOS CLOUD ESPERS KAWAII DESU NE!!!11one

Ahem. Moving along, let's take a look at the game beyond the fanservice.

It goes without saying that anything produced by Square Enix will push the graphical boundaries of any system to its limits, and Dissidia does not disappoint. The lush, vibrant visuals are unbelievably dazzling, from the gorgeous FMV cutscenes to the epileptic laser-shows of every battle. The graphics engine improves upon the one last seen on PSP in Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core with smoother animations and better particle effects. Most of the character models themselves are a sight to behold, particularly characters from the 8 and 16 bit games that have been wonderfully recreated from the original art of Amano Yoshitaka (expect lots of horns). On the other end of the presentation spectrum is Dissidia's wondrous score. Newer pieces such as One Winged Angel and Jecht's theme return, along with excellent remixes of the standout pieces from each title (Gilgamesh's theme and series staple Prelude sound friggin' amazing). In addition to the expected new arrangements, Dissidia composer Ishimoto Takeharu introduces a handful of original songs, including a vocal piece and a piano instrumental nearly the caliber of Uematsu's work. The quality of the voice work is parabolic, with strong performances like Johnny Yong Bosch (of DMC4 fame) as Firion and disappointingly wretched vocal fare, such as Bryce Papenbrook's Zidane. Again, I lament that Square Enix never includes the option to switch vocals back to the original Japanese (Sakurai Takahiro's Cloud is impeccable).

I fiddled with the Japanese version of Dissidia upon its release late last year, and I was completely shut out by the schizophrenic gameplay and ambiguous damage systems. I chalked my confusion up to language barrier, and now that I can finally play the game in English...well, it's still confusing as hell at times. Gameplay-wise, Dissidia falls more in line with Atari's Dragonball Z: Budokai series. Matches are one-on-one, three-dimensional fare in various exceptionally destructible arenas. All three dimensions are used to full extent, as characters are capable of flying, dashing, running on walls, and other Advent Children-esque chaos. While characters do have health bars, focus lies in the Bravery Gauge, similar to Guilty Gear's Momentum system. Bravery points are depleted with Circle combos, and once the Bravery gauge is depleted, HP damage combos can be employed to their fullest extent with Square. It keeps the entire battle a game of tug of war, and keeping pressure on your enemy while evading BP-crushing combos is vital to a quick victory. It's a nice change of pace from the standard fighter's health gauge or Smash Bros' glorified ring out combat system. Combat is nothing more than messy button mashing, but it's some of the prettiest button mashing you'll ever encounter.

Beyond the frantic combat itself is a staggeringly deep portable experience. Along with the standard arcade and versus modes (both CPU and multiplayer), the game features a full nonlinear story mode that plays out similarly to the tactical battles sections of Suikoden III. Character customization is expansive, with alternate costumes, fully customizable movesets and abilities, a shop system, Espers, and all the other RPG element dressings to remind you this is Final Fantasy (oddly enough, the game has a menu-based battle option to make it feel even more like the originals). Throw in the ton of unlockables and online play, and Dissidia becomes a pretty nice package for the PSP.

Now, as I said, it's impossible for me to review this game without bias. I spent years obsessed with this franchise. I wrote fanfiction. I ran roleplaying guilds. I created an FF-based pen and paper RPG from scratch. I have played every single game and memorized so many facets of the overall mythos you'd think I was a Trekkie. For Mog's sake, my own loathing of Final Fantasy VIII brought me together with my fiancee. Truly, the original Final Fantasy series holds a deep meaning for me. Regardless, the game manages to properly pay homage to the franchise and replicate the epic feel of the battles with the chaotic battle system, so brawler/fighter fans will probably enjoy this anyway (it's not as though there are many alternatives on the handheld). But for those of you like myself who have loved this franchise and its many wonderful stories and memorable characters for years, this will be a treat. I cannot resist the widest of grins upon the imposing first notes of One Winged Angel's cacophony or be overcome by gooseflesh upon seeing Garland knock you all down in the Chaos Temple or feel a powerful tinge of delight seeing characters like Exdeath and Cecil Harvey represented in glorious 3D and on such a grand stage. Truly, if you are any sort of FF-fanboy, this will hold all the same sweeping nostalgia as Nintendo's own fanservice brawler.

Dissidia: Final Fantasy is just as bizarre and rowdy as its name. Its convoluted battle system and its grandiose presentation of gaming's foremost RPG series earns it a cavalcade of mixed feelings and truly makes it one very spoony bard.

Final Score: In lieu of a numerical score, my review of the game rests simply that fans will eat it up and I cannot speak for anyone else. Or, if you're really damn pushy about it, I guess an 8.0 or something.

Seriously, though, the storyline is an utter ripoff of a concept I created seven years ago...jerks.

Turtles in Time: Reshelled Review

Time for a nostalgia bomb. Imagine you're back in 1991 and presumably below the age of twelve. The 80s are dying away, with only remnants of fades and teased hair, Metallica and Run DMC, and other cultural miscellany left as the new 90s subcultures arise. But there is one thing that has remained strong until now: the arcade. You are not horsing around outside or doing other typical kid stuff. You are surrounded by teenage sweat and pizza grease in a dark place lit by flickering monitors and neon. There is something in your pocket that burns a hole and screams to be devoured by these bright, loud machines. Clink clank as you feed the machine and are greeted by only the most bodacious of surfer slang.

The place? The arcade. The thing? Your hard-earned quarter. The slang? Cowabunga!

The game? The sequel to one of the hottest arcade beat 'em ups ever: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time. If you were anything like me as a child, you were swept up in both Turtlemania and the allure of the arcade and there was nothing better than pouring your coin into this badass cabinet. Four player co-op through your most beloved franchise? What could be sweeter?

Perhaps a remake to bring back all those arcade feelings? It has been said that online play is the console equivalent of the arcade environment, and I believe XBLA has been the haven for old school style revival. Thus, from Ubisoft Singapore comes TMNT: Turtles in Time Reshelled, a full 3D remake of the original classic. So what's changed?

Most apparent is the graphical overhaul. The game is beautifully rendered in 3D, and the visuals are certainly Reshelled's greatest aspect. All the environments are bright and colorful and very evocative of a comic book. The dark, neon glow of Big Apple, 3 A.M. or the various candy-colored foot soldiers really make the game eye-popping and vibrant, and the redone attack and enemy animations and the large sound effect bubbles really enhance the cartoony feel. Fans will gush over seeing their favorite characters redone in the 3D models and the wonderful new concept art. The music has also been redone, and while the remixes are nice, they lack the charm and catchiness of their original MIDI counterparts. The game also features new voiceover work by the cast of the 2003-Present TMNT television show, complete with original lines such as the ever-infuriating "MY TOE! MY TOE!" (You know what I mean and you know that made you rage as a kid.)

For better or for worse, however, the gameplay remains almost completely unchanged. There are a couple tweaks. The turtles now have their own unique stats (Don still has the longest reach, don't worry) and have the ability to signal their location on the screen at the push of the button, clearing up the old "where the hell am I?" confusion during co-op. As the game is rendered in full 3D, the combat is also now three-dimensional. This means players no longer have to adhere to the beat 'em up staple of remaining on the exact same plane as an enemy in order to hit them and allows players to pincer attack bosses from all angles. It's a small change, but really serves to freshen up the beat 'em up formula. Unfortunately, as exceptionally as the original game has been served up on a gleaming silver platter, it's still just the original game. A survival mode and four difficulties have been added, but the game is virtually unchanged. Ubisoft had the opportunity to pull a Zero Mission and do a truly impressive remake, replete with additional levels, characters (perhaps Karai of the original comics and most recent film), modes of play...or maybe just the ability to play the original version of the game (a bizarre and criminal exclusion). Instead, we've just received the exact same game, which is a shame considering how good the new engine is. Hopefully Ubisoft sees fit to use the same engine to make a completely brand new TMNT beat 'em up for XBLA.

The value of this game will really depend on the individual. The game does feature both local and online co-op, but the game is frightfully short and replayability will depend on your love for the franchise and the genre as a whole. The game goes for only $10, so if you loved the original or the TMNT franchise in general, the game is certainly worth downloading. Plop down with three friends and a large pizza and relive some glory days.

However, if you don't find yourself saying, "Why the hell isn't Slash the boss of Prehistoric Turtlesaurus anymore" or "Boy, Baxter Stockman makes a better nerdy Jew than a psychotic black guy," this game probably isn't for you.

Final Score: 7.8